2013 is the first complete year I’ve spent single since I was 17 years old. It has also been, by a landslide, the best year of my life. The most fulfilling, rewarding, happiest, most peaceful and productive year yet. I’m not saying it was because I was single, but ok yeah I totally am.
If you’re sad tonight because you’re not in love, make plans to fall in love with yourself. Fuck, I once married myself. There are really no limits to what you can do. Unless you’re like fat and want to be a ballerina. That’s not possible. Also not recommended.
I know we are all doing these cheesy, long status updates today and it’s getting to be overkill, but I simply cannot let this year end without publicly letting a few people know how grateful I am to have them in my life. Plus, you know I get wet for a good overshare.
To PINKERTON, you’re a dog so you don’t have Facebook, but you are my favorite guy to see when I get home and you have made my life a trillion times better. Yes, one of my best friends is a dog. Deal with it.
TO MY HUMAN BFFS FOR LIFE, especially Paula Dantas & Manoli Vozos, I am so glad we have become closer than ever this year. I love you two until the end of time. Like Michelle Branch once sang, YOU GET ME.
TO MY COMEDY WIFE Krystyna Hutchinson. Damn girl, we hit shit hard this year. I cannot wait for another year of grittier sex talks, stronger pours of whiskey, nakeder photo shoots and maybe getting to know one real fact about Dave Attell’s personal life. Really, ANYTHING is possible when we work together.
TO MY CLOSEST COMEDY BUDDIES, especially Chris JOnesy Jones,Steve Serra, Lance Weiss, Sheba Mason, Harrison Greenbaum & Raj Mahal - thank you for making this crazy thing that we do a little less crazy. Your passion inspires me daily. A special thank you to Allan Finn for your generosity and belief in me and Isaac Leicht for knowing when I need a hug versus when I need to be told to cut the shit.
TO MY VIGs, especially Ryan Duff, Alfie Berneti, Mark Thomas Johnson,Grant Woolfolk, Mike Froggatt, Dan Cronin, Jim Ku & Juan Carlos Johnny Salinas - thank you for thinking I was hilarious long before I was a comic and for supporting me with the enthusiasm of an Italian mother. You make me feel alive, I love you with all my heart. I would not have lasted 10 years in NYC without you (but my liver would be in much better condition).
TO Aaron Haber - thank you for giving me so many wonderful opportunities this year. You had a direct impact on me becoming a better comedian in 2013. I know 2014 has great things to come.
TO ALL THE COMICS I’ve worked with this year, thank you for being so fucking funny that I have to be on my toes at all times. It is an honor and a privilege to perform with you in the best city in the world every night. I finally feel like I fit in. And, for the first time in my life, I don’t mind fitting in.
TO EVERYONE I’VE SLEPT WITH THIS YEAR - I look forward to having you on the podcast.
TO THE ONLY PERSON I SLEPT WITH THIS YEAR THAT REALLY MATTERED - #blessed to have you in my life.
TO MY ACUPUNCTURIST, THE SHOW LOUIE & THE MOVIE SPRING BREAKERS - Thank you for helping me climb out of the saddest time in my life. This is not a joke. I wish it was.
TO MY OASIS DAY SPA FAMILY, especially Jacksy Aguiar Rivera &Cristina Acuña Lener, I know I’m prettier when I wear make-up, but thank you for seeing my beauty even when I don’t. I am so lucky to have the most wonderful co-workers who are so much more than that and to have a job that allows me to live my dreams. Not a day goes by that I do not realize how fortunate I am.
TO MY REAL FAMILY - thank you for being awesome and only pointing out that I make basically no money and am less smart than everyone else in the family only sometimes. I know in the language of Fisher, that translates to LOVE.
TO Dan Bern - Thank you for making this little stalker’s dreams come true. You’re a brilliant talent and an even better man. How is this possible? I do not know.
Lastly, to everyone at Stand Up NY and Stand Up NY Labs, especiallyBenjy Susswein, Jon Fatigate, Aaron J. Friedman, Jimmy LeChase,Gabe Waldman, Dani, Becky & Greg - thank you for treating me like a real comedian since day one, before I even deserved to be treated like one. Krystyna and I are beyond thrilled to be podcasting out of your lab. Thank you for understanding that, yeah, we’ve fucked a lot of guys. But that it’s so much more than that.
(And thank you to everyone who now thinks I’m a fag for writing this. I totally am and I appreciate you keeping it real.)